This post is so near and dear to my heart. I wasn't sure what pictures I wanted people to see of our boys. They were born so early that their skin isn't what a normal babies would look like, and they weren't fully developed. But, staring at them they were so perfect. They had eyebrows, eyelashes, toenails and fingernails, Benson already had a lot of dark brown hair, and so many other things that I was amazed 23 week babies would have. These pictures are so hard for me to look at. Somedays I have to turn away from pictures we have in our house of the boys, It's just too hard. I stare at them and want them. I just want to hug them and kiss their cute faces. I want to be a MOM! Cam reminds me everyday that I'm the best mom. We took a million pictures over a 2 day period. We didn't want to forget anything. So, now I'll share about Carter & Benson's birthdays. The best June 20 we will ever have!
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I hadn't slept at all the night before. My cramps and contractions just wouldn't stop. When the nurse came in around 6 AM, Cam woke up and I told him I felt something wasn't right. I was scared just to say that - thinking I would jinx myself and the boys would come. I tried to fall back asleep and push the negative thoughts away. About an hour later I was in so much pain I couldn't handle it. They called in the ultrasound tech to do a quick ultrasound. I was dilated to a 4 and Carter was in the birth canal. Since I was on the 4th floor (not the labor & delivery floor), they were going to put me on a labor bed and rush me down to the 3rd floor where I could deliver. Since I was dilated already and the boys were so small any little move or jerk could make them come.
They kept me on the same bed I had been on and rushed me to the 3rd floor. The whole time I was trying not to push. It was so weird. All those stories and things you hear of "trying to keep the baby in" or "if it feels like you need to poop then don't!" Ok -- they are all true. Holy cow. I didn't know how Carter was staying in. By now, Toni was on her way and cleaning up everything we had in our room upstairs. Which was A LOT! We had basically moved into the hospital!
Nurses running around everywhere, someone putting in ANOTHER IV. This was my 6th one by now. They said they were going to start me on magnesium again. NO!! I remembered how bad that stuff was and did not want it. But if it helped, give it to me. Cam never left my side. Always holding my hand, and telling me to breathe. After the magnesium and pain meds got in my system I felt a little better, but still having anxiety from not knowing how these boys were going to make it into this world. After 2 hours of waiting for my OB to get there, my High Risk Dr, and being dilated to a 6, we all had to make a plan. I had 3 options; 1. Vaginally deliver Carter and keep Benson in there since he was in a different sac and different placenta. 2. Vaginally deliver both since Benson might come soon after Carter is born. or 3. Emergency C-section - since I could wind up having a c section anyway after I vaginally deliver and go into labor days later. After looking at ultrasounds it looked like the placentas had maybe fused together.
The best and smartest option was, a C-section. Cam & I hadn't decided on a name for our other boy yet. We always had Benson in mind, but could never decide on another one! We had a couple options but of course, thought we would have more time to decide on one. This is how the 5 minutes went after the Dr's came in and we decided on the delivery...
"What do you want to do? C-section or normal delivery?" "C-section." ok. "Cam what do we want for a name?" "Carter?" "Ok, good, we like it, let's go do this."
Then they rushed me away and I wouldn't see Cam until they had already started the surgery.
The whole thing was just a blur. I had been wearing one of my shirts, so they cut that off to get my robe on. Since we didn't have enough time for an epidural, they had to do a spinal. The anethesiologist had come in right before they wheeled me off to sign the spinal papers. As soon as my gown was on, I was told to curl in a ball and to not move. They usually have you sit up for this, but because Carter was already so low they didn't want me to move. I had heard this so many times from family and friends about how the epidural or spinal goes. And you know what, you just have to experience it and not ask questions. Nothing can prepare you for this, or birth, or anything! I was holding on to a nurses hand so tight. I think I apologized later. I felt sharp sharp pains going down my left leg. It felt like someone was electrocuting me. After about a minute I rolled back onto my back. Oxygen was put in my nose, the blue sheet went up in front of my face, my arms were brought out to the sides of my body and tied down. My mind STILL going in a million different directions, "Here we go," I thought. "I'm having a C-section. Our boys we wanted for so long are coming, and I get to see what they look like. I'm scared!"
They had already started making the incision. The muscles at the top of my stomach were going crazy! They said everything was going great and that was normal. Cam had now come in the room. He hadn't eaten anything all day, except the trix he shoved in his mouth right before they took me in for surgery. He was all scrubbed up, ready to be a Dad. With him holding my wrists and touching my face, my head stopped spinning. All I can remember saying is "Heavenly Father, Heavenly Father," over and over again.
They had Carter out in seconds. "11:45, baby boy!" "He's here babe! Carter is here!" The nicu team immediately started working on him. And a minute later, "Membranes ruptured, 11:46, another baby boy!" "Benson is here Lex. Our boys made it!"
So many mixed emotions. Were they ok? What were they doing? I want to see my babies! Will they make it? Benson was immediately taken to the nicu. He had responded to the breathing tests and other things they had done on him. Carter wasn't doing so well. He still had a pulse but they told us right there that he wasn't going to make it. Still laying on the table and having delivered my beautiful boys that we waited SO long to have, I felt so peaceful. I knew this was the plan. They had both received a body and come to the earth. That was Carter's mission so far.
They had wheeled us into the recovery room. They let me keep my baby Carter. I was still numb from the top of my stomach down to my feet. I could only move my arms and head. With Benson in the nicu, it was nice to just focus on Carter for a little bit. We were able to feel him breathe, touch his tiny toes feet and fingers. And just stare. That's all I wanted to do was stare at him. He was ours! He looked so familiar. This is where the veil went thin. This is when our Heavenly Father said, "Ok, it's time. I need you back." Our nicu Dr had come in and pronounced him dead, after being with us for 2 hours. I can't explain the moment. Words were taken from my mouth. I just cried.
I wanted to see my other sweet boy. They wheeled me into the Nicu on my recovery bed. How do you just loose a baby and then come in to see your other baby like this? Tubes everywhere, wrapped in plastic wrap to stay warm. Our boys were so long. They both totally had the Pearson arms and legs. The kind that you can't ever find shirts for because their long arms hang out. Benson had my face. Dark hair, dark eyebrows, his jaw and ears. They had put feeds into his belly button to keep him going. His heart rate was fluctuating. I only got to see him move his arms and legs once. It was so cute.
Cam had already given Carter a name and a blessing before he passed, and now was Benson's turn. With nurses surrounding Benson's bed, Cam & my cousin Corey held Benson to give him a name and a blessing. The spirit was so unbelievably strong in that room. Everyone was crying. I know the spirit had touched everyone that was in that circle. We had the best nicu nurses. They loved Benson. They were so gentle and loving. After being with Benson for a little bit, they took me to my new room. My 6th hospital room! Yay! I got situated and Cam and I just cried.
Our parents were on a red eye flight to Georgia that night. Before we went to bed, we called down to the Nicu to check on Benson. Cam had already gone before, but I wanted to call every second to make sure he was ok! They had lowered his oxygen levels and they said things were going good, but anything can happen in 48 hours. I was on so many meds that night for my incision that I was out. Cam said he couldn't sleep at all, which I don't blame him.
At 4 AM I woke up to see our Nicu Dr in his white coat standing by my bed. I knew this couldn't be good. I tried to see what time it was. "Benson isn't going to make it, you need to come now." I hadn't tried to sit up or do anything since the C-section. I tilted my bed up and was so dizzy. "You have to get in a wheelchair babe, we have to go see our baby!" I was determined. I wasn't going to let Benson go without holding him and saying bye. Cam picked me up and put me in the wheelchair. The nicu seemed like it was forever away. Every bump just killed my stomach. As we came into the nicu our 2 sweet nurses were holding Benson. A million cords coming out of the bottom of the blanket. His pulse was now 20. They took off all his cords and placed him in my arms. WHY!? I was so sad. I just wanted my baby!
We were able to go in a little room and just have us time. We talked to Benson and told him to be a good brother. To watch over us and make sure to send down his other brother and sisters soon! Once again I just stared. He was so adorable. He was ours. His poor mouth wouldn't close from all the tubes they had in him. Cam looked so peaceful. After 2 hours of being with Benson, the same Dr came in to hear the heart beat, and said he had passed.
That wheelchair ride back to our room was a blur. Our whole world just turned upside down. We felt weak and sick. We said a prayer when Cam got me back into bed. I had never felt more close to Cam than now. I needed him. We had just gone through this whole process for years - together.
HE knew everything. HE knew how I felt. HE just lost his boys too. He was the only person I wanted.
A few hours later, Randy and my parents arrived at the hospital. It was so good to see them. We requested to have the boys brought together from the mortuary so we could hold them and see them again. They came wrapped together in the same blanket. They were best buds - Back together in their Heavenly Father's arms, laughing at us living in this wicked world still. We sat there for hours, talking, laughing, crying. Just being a family. It was just what we needed.
I got to leave the hospital 2 days later on Sunday June 22. Leaving the hospital meant saying bye to our boys. They told us the time they were bringing them in, so we starting getting our things together to be ready. We heard the cart coming down the hall, and closer to our room. I couldn't handle it. I didn't want to see them like that. I wanted to take them home! We told the chaplain to give us 10 minutes. That 10 minutes turned into 2 hours. We couldn't say bye. We couldn't let them go! But we had to, and that was the hardest thing ever. The next time we would see them again would be in a box, at their funeral, which I couldn't think of either because it seemed like things would never get easier. We put them back in the bed, and our parents had showed up to help carry everything to the car. We all got to say goodbye to the boys that changed all of our lives.
Everyday I look back and wonder how did I do all of that? How did I do all those shots for IVF, how did I survive all those IV's and blood draws when I use to be deathly afraid of needles, how did I have the patience to wait that long to have these boys and then loose them? What it all comes down to is -- it was all part of the plan. HIS plan. Cam & I were just the ones to fulfill it. How lucky are we to have boys that just needed a body. That's all they needed in this life to have eternal salvation! They are so much better than me right now.
We have learned so SO much through this whole process. Our marriage is stronger than it ever has been before. My testimony means so much more to me now. My patience is 10 times great than it ever has been. I look at my nieces and nephews and love them that much more because their our boys cousins! Carter & Benson have made eternal life that much more real to me. I am starting to understand it a little more everyday. The little things in life don't really matter anymore. The best house, cars, clothes, etc. don't mean anything to me anymore because I won't have them when I'm with my twin boys. That's all I want, is to be with them again. And raise them without any wickedness and temptation.
My sweet twin boys are always in my mind. There isn't a day that I don't think about them and what we would be doing if they were here. I find myself always wondering what they are doing up there, and who they are helping. I tell them in my mind to be good boys and not to cause trouble up there. We will always love & miss my Carter Cameron & Benson Edwin.
