Balloons to Heaven

There will never be an end to our Carter & Benson story. But this was the close to this chapter with them. It was a hard & special day. The night before the funeral, Cam & I were dreading the next day. We knew what had to be done, and we didn't want to do any of it. Of course after thinking that you feel bad and try to change your thoughts. But what parent wants to bury their child? Let alone, two. We both didn't sleep well that night and when the morning came we both just had a rock in our stomach. That deep down sick pain, like you didn't want to move.

Driving to the cemetery we didn't really know what to expect. We had invited close family and friends. I told Cam "I hope they don't drive a hearse because that tiny casket does not need to be in that!" I didn't want to see a black car bringing my babies. When we pulled around to the Angel Garden where our sweet boys would be buried, I saw the funeral van parked there with the trunk open and the casket sitting there. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I cried and cried. That was the first time I had seen 'them' since saying bye to them in the hospital in Georgia. This little tiny casket sitting there of our boys in it that Cam & I longed for everyday.   

Cam was so strong that day. He told me everything would be ok and to take his arm while we carry our boys over to the table. Family started to show up and we mingled until the program started. I had no idea how to plan the program. A little part of me wanted just us to show up, cry together, and say goodbye again without anyone there. But, with the help of a dear friend, Maddie, who had lost her baby more than a year ago, we put together a simple program. 

Cam's dad, Randy, conducted for us. We sang I feel my Savior's love, and my dad gave the opening prayer. Randy said some very nice things about Cam & I, and then Cam got up and spoke about the miracles that we had witnessed with Carter & Benson. I read a poem that fit perfectly with everything, and then Cam dedicated our boys grave with a prayer. 

It was so hard sitting front and center, with the boys laying right in front of us. How do you be strong through that? I think I was scared to cry in front of so many people, but I couldn't hide my emotions. As soon as Cam finished dedicating the grave, a huge brick was lifted off my shoulders. The planning we did was done and worked out great, the boys were celebrated & taken care of, and now we could now somewhat start moving on a little bit. 

Another idea I had from Maddie was sending off balloons. It only seemed fitting. Little kids love balloons and white just seemed perfect for the occasion. It was the perfect ending to our little service. As we sent them off to heaven I felt like it symbolized so many things.

White: Pure. Our boys were so perfect & pure. Just needing a body in this life.

Looking up: Looking up towards heaven.

Letting go of the balloons: Letting them go. Back to their Heavenly Father.

I felt so many good emotions as we sent those off. Our little nephew Calvin said, "This balloon is for Carter!" And our other nephew Coleman said, "This balloon is for Benson!" It was the sweetest thing. They both brought blue Beanie Babies for the boys, that we later opened the casket and put with them. Cam & I knew the whole time that our twins were standing there watching the whole thing with their arms around each other. 

An Angel Never Dies

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,

That something stopped my heart

I felt each tender squeeze you gave,

I’ve loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold

It doesn’t mean I’m gone

This world was worthy, not of me

God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,

What you are forced to face

You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,

Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was meant to be,

God doesn’t make mistakes

But that wont soften your worst blow,

Or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do,

Another child you’ll bear

Believe me when I say to you,

That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,

When you will hold my hand,

Stroke my face and kiss my lips

And then you’ll understand.

Although I’ve never breathed your air,

Or gazed into your eyes

That doesn’t mean I never was,

An Angel never dies. 

It was a day we would never forget. The things that were said and felt gave us so much peace. I never ever thought we would have to do this when we got the call from our fertility Dr saying that we were pregnant. But, we have realized, our lives will always be changing and things will happen that we have never planned on. Our Sundays now consist of taking a drive down to the Provo Cemetery. To visit our boys and to just think about life. It's never easy pulling up there. I wonder when it will ever get easy.. I don't think it will. I always tell myself "don't cry!" But I always do. We always walk around and look at all the other infants headstones. Some living only a day, some a few months, and some almost a year. We like to clean off the other headstones that have weeds growing on them, or need flowers or toys picked up that have been blown by the wind. Those parents went through the same thing we did, so we can all take care of each other. 

We can't wait for the day to bring our other kids here, to visit their big brothers. To tell them how amazing and strong they were, and how much their mom & dad love and miss them. Our boys are surrounded by our loved ones that have passed on, and all the other babies that they are buried near at the Angel Garden. 

We love you both SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much times infinity!