Balloons to Heaven

There will never be an end to our Carter & Benson story. But this was the close to this chapter with them. It was a hard & special day. The night before the funeral, Cam & I were dreading the next day. We knew what had to be done, and we didn't want to do any of it. Of course after thinking that you feel bad and try to change your thoughts. But what parent wants to bury their child? Let alone, two. We both didn't sleep well that night and when the morning came we both just had a rock in our stomach. That deep down sick pain, like you didn't want to move.

Driving to the cemetery we didn't really know what to expect. We had invited close family and friends. I told Cam "I hope they don't drive a hearse because that tiny casket does not need to be in that!" I didn't want to see a black car bringing my babies. When we pulled around to the Angel Garden where our sweet boys would be buried, I saw the funeral van parked there with the trunk open and the casket sitting there. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I cried and cried. That was the first time I had seen 'them' since saying bye to them in the hospital in Georgia. This little tiny casket sitting there of our boys in it that Cam & I longed for everyday.   

Cam was so strong that day. He told me everything would be ok and to take his arm while we carry our boys over to the table. Family started to show up and we mingled until the program started. I had no idea how to plan the program. A little part of me wanted just us to show up, cry together, and say goodbye again without anyone there. But, with the help of a dear friend, Maddie, who had lost her baby more than a year ago, we put together a simple program. 

Cam's dad, Randy, conducted for us. We sang I feel my Savior's love, and my dad gave the opening prayer. Randy said some very nice things about Cam & I, and then Cam got up and spoke about the miracles that we had witnessed with Carter & Benson. I read a poem that fit perfectly with everything, and then Cam dedicated our boys grave with a prayer. 

It was so hard sitting front and center, with the boys laying right in front of us. How do you be strong through that? I think I was scared to cry in front of so many people, but I couldn't hide my emotions. As soon as Cam finished dedicating the grave, a huge brick was lifted off my shoulders. The planning we did was done and worked out great, the boys were celebrated & taken care of, and now we could now somewhat start moving on a little bit. 

Another idea I had from Maddie was sending off balloons. It only seemed fitting. Little kids love balloons and white just seemed perfect for the occasion. It was the perfect ending to our little service. As we sent them off to heaven I felt like it symbolized so many things.

White: Pure. Our boys were so perfect & pure. Just needing a body in this life.

Looking up: Looking up towards heaven.

Letting go of the balloons: Letting them go. Back to their Heavenly Father.

I felt so many good emotions as we sent those off. Our little nephew Calvin said, "This balloon is for Carter!" And our other nephew Coleman said, "This balloon is for Benson!" It was the sweetest thing. They both brought blue Beanie Babies for the boys, that we later opened the casket and put with them. Cam & I knew the whole time that our twins were standing there watching the whole thing with their arms around each other. 

An Angel Never Dies

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,

That something stopped my heart

I felt each tender squeeze you gave,

I’ve loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold

It doesn’t mean I’m gone

This world was worthy, not of me

God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,

What you are forced to face

You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,

Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was meant to be,

God doesn’t make mistakes

But that wont soften your worst blow,

Or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do,

Another child you’ll bear

Believe me when I say to you,

That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,

When you will hold my hand,

Stroke my face and kiss my lips

And then you’ll understand.

Although I’ve never breathed your air,

Or gazed into your eyes

That doesn’t mean I never was,

An Angel never dies. 

It was a day we would never forget. The things that were said and felt gave us so much peace. I never ever thought we would have to do this when we got the call from our fertility Dr saying that we were pregnant. But, we have realized, our lives will always be changing and things will happen that we have never planned on. Our Sundays now consist of taking a drive down to the Provo Cemetery. To visit our boys and to just think about life. It's never easy pulling up there. I wonder when it will ever get easy.. I don't think it will. I always tell myself "don't cry!" But I always do. We always walk around and look at all the other infants headstones. Some living only a day, some a few months, and some almost a year. We like to clean off the other headstones that have weeds growing on them, or need flowers or toys picked up that have been blown by the wind. Those parents went through the same thing we did, so we can all take care of each other. 

We can't wait for the day to bring our other kids here, to visit their big brothers. To tell them how amazing and strong they were, and how much their mom & dad love and miss them. Our boys are surrounded by our loved ones that have passed on, and all the other babies that they are buried near at the Angel Garden. 

We love you both SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much times infinity! 

Happy Birthday To Our Twin Boys

This post is so near and dear to my heart. I wasn't sure what pictures I wanted people to see of our boys. They were born so early that their skin isn't what a normal babies would look like, and they weren't fully developed. But, staring at them they were so perfect. They had eyebrows, eyelashes, toenails and fingernails, Benson already had a lot of dark brown hair, and so many other things that I was amazed 23 week babies would have. These pictures are so hard for me to look at. Somedays I have to turn away from pictures we have in our house of the boys, It's just too hard. I stare at them and want them. I just want to hug them and kiss their cute faces. I want to be a MOM! Cam reminds me everyday that I'm the best mom. We took a million pictures over a 2 day period. We didn't want to forget anything. So, now I'll share about Carter & Benson's birthdays. The best June 20 we will ever have!

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I hadn't slept at all the night before. My cramps and contractions just wouldn't stop. When the nurse came in around 6 AM, Cam woke up and I told him I felt something wasn't right. I was scared just to say that - thinking I would jinx myself and the boys would come. I tried to fall back asleep and push the negative thoughts away. About an hour later I was in so much pain I couldn't handle it. They called in the ultrasound tech to do a quick ultrasound. I was dilated to a 4 and Carter was in the birth canal. Since I was on the 4th floor (not the labor & delivery floor), they were going to put me on a labor bed and rush me down to the 3rd floor where I could deliver. Since I was dilated already and the boys were so small any little move or jerk could make them come. 

They kept me on the same bed I had been on and rushed me to the 3rd floor. The whole time I was trying not to push. It was so weird. All those stories and things you hear of "trying to keep the baby in" or "if it feels like you need to poop then don't!" Ok -- they are all true. Holy cow. I didn't know how Carter was staying in. By now, Toni was on her way and cleaning up everything we had in our room upstairs. Which was A LOT! We had basically moved into the hospital!

Nurses running around everywhere, someone putting in ANOTHER IV. This was my 6th one by now. They said they were going to start me on magnesium again. NO!! I remembered how bad that stuff was and did not want it. But if it helped, give it to me. Cam never left my side. Always holding my hand, and telling me to breathe. After the magnesium and pain meds got in my system I felt a little better, but still having anxiety from not knowing how these boys were going to make it into this world. After 2 hours of waiting for my OB to get there, my High Risk Dr, and being dilated to a 6, we all had to make a plan. I had 3 options; 1. Vaginally deliver Carter and keep Benson in there since he was in a different sac and different placenta. 2. Vaginally deliver both since Benson might come soon after Carter is born. or 3. Emergency C-section - since I could wind up having a c section anyway after I vaginally deliver and go into labor days later. After looking at ultrasounds it looked like the placentas had maybe fused together. 

The best and smartest option was, a C-section. Cam & I hadn't decided on a name for our other boy yet. We always had Benson in mind, but could never decide on another one! We had a couple options but of course, thought we would have more time to decide on one. This is how the 5 minutes went after the Dr's came in and we decided on the delivery...

"What do you want to do? C-section or normal delivery?" "C-section." ok. "Cam what do we want for a name?" "Carter?" "Ok, good, we like it, let's go do this."

Then they rushed me away and I wouldn't see Cam until they had already started the surgery.

The whole thing was just a blur. I had been wearing one of my shirts, so they cut that off to get my robe on. Since we didn't have enough time for an epidural, they had to do a spinal. The anethesiologist had come in right before they wheeled me off to sign the spinal papers. As soon as my gown was on, I was told to curl in a ball and to not move. They usually have you sit up for this, but because Carter was already so low they didn't want me to move. I had heard this so many times from family and friends about how the epidural or spinal goes. And you know what, you just have to experience it and not ask questions. Nothing can prepare you for this, or birth, or anything! I was holding on to a nurses hand so tight. I think I apologized later. I felt sharp sharp pains going down my left leg. It felt like someone was electrocuting me. After about a minute I rolled back onto my back. Oxygen was put in my nose, the blue sheet went up in front of my face, my arms were brought out to the sides of my body and tied down. My mind STILL going in a million different directions, "Here we go," I thought. "I'm having a C-section. Our boys we wanted for so long are coming, and I get to see what they look like. I'm scared!" 

They had already started making the incision. The muscles at the top of my stomach were going crazy! They said everything was going great and that was normal. Cam had now come in the room. He hadn't eaten anything all day, except the trix he shoved in his mouth right before they took me in for surgery. He was all scrubbed up, ready to be a Dad. With him holding my wrists and touching my face, my head stopped spinning. All I can remember saying is "Heavenly Father, Heavenly Father," over and over again. 

They had Carter out in seconds. "11:45, baby boy!" "He's here babe! Carter is here!" The nicu team immediately started working on him. And a minute later, "Membranes ruptured, 11:46, another baby boy!" "Benson is here Lex. Our boys made it!" 

So many mixed emotions. Were they ok? What were they doing? I want to see my babies! Will they make it? Benson was immediately taken to the nicu. He had responded to the breathing tests and other things they had done on him. Carter wasn't doing so well. He still had a pulse but they told us right there that he wasn't going to make it. Still laying on the table and having delivered my beautiful boys that we waited SO long to have, I felt so peaceful. I knew this was the plan. They had both received a body and come to the earth. That was Carter's mission so far. 

They had wheeled us into the recovery room. They let me keep my baby Carter. I was still numb from the top of my stomach down to my feet. I could only move my arms and head. With Benson in the nicu, it was nice to just focus on Carter for a little bit. We were able to feel him breathe, touch his tiny toes feet and fingers. And just stare. That's all I wanted to do was stare at him. He was ours! He looked so familiar. This is where the veil went thin. This is when our Heavenly Father said, "Ok, it's time. I need you back." Our nicu Dr had come in and pronounced him dead, after being with us for 2 hours. I can't explain the moment. Words were taken from my mouth. I just cried. 

I wanted to see my other sweet boy. They wheeled me into the Nicu on my recovery bed. How do you just loose a baby and then come in to see your other baby like this? Tubes everywhere, wrapped in plastic wrap to stay warm. Our boys were so long. They both totally had the Pearson arms and legs. The kind that you can't ever find shirts for because their long arms hang out. Benson had my face. Dark hair, dark eyebrows, his jaw and ears. They had put feeds into his belly button to keep him going. His heart rate was fluctuating. I only got to see him move his arms and legs once. It was so cute.

 Cam had already given Carter a name and a blessing before he passed, and now was Benson's turn. With nurses surrounding Benson's bed, Cam & my cousin Corey held Benson to give him a name and a blessing. The spirit was so unbelievably strong in that room. Everyone was crying. I know the spirit had touched everyone that was in that circle. We had the best nicu nurses. They loved Benson. They were so gentle and loving. After being with Benson for a little bit, they took me to my new room. My 6th hospital room! Yay! I got situated and Cam and I just cried.

 Our parents were on a red eye flight to Georgia that night. Before we went to bed, we called down to the Nicu to check on Benson. Cam had already gone before, but I wanted to call every second to make sure he was ok! They had lowered his oxygen levels and they said things were going good, but anything can happen in 48 hours. I was on so many meds that night for my incision that I was out. Cam said he couldn't sleep at all, which I don't blame him. 

At 4 AM I woke up to see our Nicu Dr in his white coat standing by my bed. I knew this couldn't be good. I tried to see what time it was. "Benson isn't going to make it, you need to come now." I hadn't tried to sit up or do anything since the C-section. I tilted my bed up and was so dizzy. "You have to get in a wheelchair babe, we have to go see our baby!" I was determined. I wasn't going to let Benson go without holding him and saying bye. Cam picked me up and put me in the wheelchair. The nicu seemed like it was forever away. Every bump just killed my stomach. As we came into the nicu our 2 sweet nurses were holding Benson. A million cords coming out of the bottom of the blanket. His pulse was now 20. They took off all his cords and placed him in my arms. WHY!? I was so sad. I just wanted my baby! 

We were able to go in a little room and just have us time. We talked to Benson and told him to be a good brother. To watch over us and make sure to send down his other brother and sisters soon! Once again I just stared. He was so adorable. He was ours. His poor mouth wouldn't close from all the tubes they had in him. Cam looked so peaceful. After 2 hours of being with Benson, the same Dr came in to hear the heart beat, and said he had passed. 

That wheelchair ride back to our room was a blur. Our whole world just turned upside down. We felt weak and sick. We said a prayer when Cam got me back into bed. I had never felt more close to Cam than now. I needed him. We had just gone through this whole process for years - together. 

HE knew everything. HE knew how I felt. HE just lost his boys too. He was the only person I wanted.

A few hours later, Randy and my parents arrived at the hospital. It was so good to see them. We requested to have the boys brought together from the mortuary so we could hold them and see them again. They came wrapped together in the same blanket. They were best buds - Back together in their Heavenly Father's arms, laughing at us living in this wicked world still. We sat there for hours, talking, laughing, crying. Just being a family. It was just what we needed.

I got to leave the hospital 2 days later on Sunday June 22. Leaving the hospital meant saying bye to our boys. They told us the time they were bringing them in, so we starting getting our things together to be ready. We heard the cart coming down the hall, and closer to our room. I couldn't handle it. I didn't want to see them like that. I wanted to take them home! We told the chaplain to give us 10 minutes. That 10 minutes turned into 2 hours. We couldn't say bye. We couldn't let them go! But we had to, and that was the hardest thing ever. The next time we would see them again would be in a box, at their funeral, which I couldn't think of either because it seemed like things would never get easier. We put them back in the bed, and our parents had showed up to help carry everything to the car. We all got to say goodbye to the boys that changed all of our lives.

 Everyday I look back and wonder how did I do all of that? How did I do all those shots for IVF, how did I survive all those IV's and blood draws when I use to be deathly afraid of needles, how did I have the patience to wait that long to have these boys and then loose them? What it all comes down to is -- it was all part of the plan. HIS plan. Cam & I were just the ones to fulfill it. How lucky are we to have boys that just needed a body. That's all they needed in this life to have eternal salvation! They are so much better than me right now. 

We have learned so SO much through this whole process. Our marriage is stronger than it ever has been before. My testimony means so much more to me now. My patience is 10 times great than it ever has been. I look at my nieces and nephews and love them that much more because their our boys cousins! Carter & Benson have made eternal life that much more real to me. I am starting to understand it a little more everyday. The little things in life don't really matter anymore. The best house, cars, clothes, etc. don't mean anything to me anymore because I won't have them when I'm with my twin boys. That's all I want, is to be with them again. And raise them without any wickedness and temptation. 

My sweet twin boys are always in my mind. There isn't a day that I don't think about them and what we would be doing if they were here. I find myself always wondering what they are doing up there, and who they are helping. I tell them in my mind to be good boys and not to cause trouble up there. We will always love & miss my Carter Cameron & Benson Edwin. 

The Start To Our Many Miracles

I have been thinking for a long time about my blog. I have so many stories and pictures that I didn't know how to even start all of this. How do I put my feelings and experiences on paper? ( or a blog :) From the day this all started, to now, we have so many things that need to be said. 

I figure I would just start at the beginning of how I remember it all...

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It was Wednesday June 4. Cam was just getting back from their morning meeting before knocking, and I was on the phone with my Dr office trying to get my appt switched from Thursday to that day because something just didn't feel right. I had been having some symptoms of things and of course, I googled. Which isn't good. I learned I should never google again. But I did, and all these things of pre-term labor came up. Back pain, tired, excess discharge etc.. But thats all apart of being pregnant with twins right? At least thats what I thought. 

My Dr. office was able to get me in that day, so I left for my appointment while Cam headed out to knock with our regional, Doug, who had just flown in the day before. After a quick exam and what I thought would be just a normal ultrasound, our whole world would soon be changing in minutes.

The ultrasound showed I was dilated to a 2 at 20 weeks from an infection. As they rushed me back into the exam room, the on call Dr said, " You will not be touching the ground until these babies come." 

WHAT?! My mind was spinning in a million directions. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I almost passed out. The ONLY appointment Cam has ever missed, and this is happening. This can't be happening. As the ambulance was on it's way, I called Cam and he and Doug were rushing to the Dr. office. We had no insurance out in Georgia, no family, nothing for the babies, I didn't have a hospital bag packed or anything. 

Everything I had hoped for, wanted, wished for, was completely thrown out the window. 

I was taken by ambulance to Doctors Hospital of Augusta. They rushed me through the ER, which we were just at a week before with my cousin Corey. They took me up to Labor & Delivery and took me into room 219. My eyes were so puffy, mascara everywhere, white shirt completely wet and stained with makeup, hands still shaking, I was given a priesthood blessing by Cam, Shawn, and Doug to help calm me down. 

The first of many IV's was put into my right arm. Monitors hooked up to my stomach and arms, and the start of Magnesium sulfate started to drip in my IV. The absolute worst medication anyone could ever be on I soon learned. They say it's like having the flu- times 1,000. Luckily, I never got any flu like symptoms, but it made my body SO relaxed that I couldn't do anything. I couldn't open my eyes, lift my hand, turn my head, swallow water, nothing. I felt helpless. You could see in Cam's eyes the fear of what he saw looking at me and how my body was. 

After 2.5 days of being on Magnesium and only eating jello, broth, and water, they finally lowered my dose, and eventually took me off completely. I was so scared our boys weren't getting any of the nutrients they needed. We started thinking of all the different options to get us back to Utah. Vivint's private jet, a motor home, ANYTHING! But day after day, the nurses and Dr.'s said there was absolutely no way we were going back before these babies were born.

I remember the morning of my third day in the hospital. I had not slept at all the night before. Every 2 hours nurses came in to do vitals, give medicine, and help me go to the bathroom. Along with coming in every 30 minutes when the alarm for my IV would go off from air in the line. It never ended. It was 6 AM and I turned over to look at Cam laying on the hard couch. I couldn't take it anymore. I was ready to rip the IV out, and all the cords and just run out of the hospital. How was I going to do weeks or even months of this? I started yelling Cam's name. Yelling. And more yelling. He would not wake up. I started shaking the handle on my hospital bed. Nothing. I remember not breathing because I was crying so hard, I just wanted my sweetheart laying next to me! I wanted Cam! 

I wanted to be that cute pregnant lady that is out to dinner on a Friday night and then go shopping for our babies after. I wanted to buy cribs, and the city select stroller I had my eye on for months. I wanted to have my baby shower in a month that was planned. I wanted to watch my belly grow with our 2 sweet boys that we longed and tried for, for 2.5 years. I wanted our boys healthy, and I wanted to be a family of 4. 

The days were long. Nights were short. My mom had got a ticket and was on her way to Augusta. I was so excited. I didn't know how entertaining I would be, laying in a hospital bed. But I was just excited to see my mom and have her help me. When she got there, a little piece of home came with her. She stayed with me for a week and in that week we caught up with life, and had some scares in the hospital. She painted my toes, read me ensign stories, got me snacks, rubbed my back and feet, and took naps with me. 

June 11 at 9 pm our world was flipped again. Cam was at home showering from a long work day, and I was leaning my bed up to ask my mom how Chili's sounded for dinner. All of the sudden I felt a huge gush. My water broke. A million emotions ran over me again. I cannot deliver these babies here. We had been trying to get transferred to another hospital that has a better nicu, and they wouldn't transfer me yet because I was not 23 weeks. As my mom was holding my feet, trying to calm me down. Cam rushed into the room. Both of us so unsure and scared for what could happen at anytime. I don't know how I got so lucky but his presence and words always calm me down. "Look at me, Look at me, your ok, we will be fine babe. Just look at me. If this is suppose to happen, it will. It's all part of his plan. He knows us better than we know ourselves." 

Now my water had broke at 22 weeks and it would take way too long to transfer the boys downtown- a 20 minute drive- to University hospital to the nicu before they could get help. They hooked up the heart monitors to watch the boys heart rates. They were perfect. After monitoring for hours, and no signs of dilating or contractions they gave me some ambien and I was out. 

Everyday after that was a waiting game. Nicu Dr's would come in our room and tell us the chances of our boys making it. I hated hearing it. I would ask our OB chances of them making it, and they all told us the same answer. Cam & I didn't believe it. Our babies were miracle babies. We succeeded with first time IVF, got twins, had the easiest- sick free- pregnancy, heart rates were always great, these were our miracles, they weren't going to stop now! Because of the pressure of Baby A on my cervix, his sac & membranes had ruptured, and my cervix closed. Another miracle. 

After being in the hospital for weeks, the littlest things made ALL the difference. Taking a 10 min quick shower was amazing, and getting to wheel around the labor & delivery floor two times. Going from a bed pan to a "bedside commode" was great. I always heard once you have a baby, you don't even care who sees you or who is in the room when you are doing anything and that is so true. I learned to go to the bathroom with 5 ppl in the room. Awkward but hey, whatever! I was only allowed to sit up to eat meals, I had to lay slanted with my legs way up so that gravity would keep the babies away from pushing on my cervix. 

I got use to having my IV moved to a different spot every 3 days. Cam & I learned to fall asleep with 5 different machines beeping all the time. We learned how to read the peaks slopes and curves on the contraction monitor. We got to know all the nurses on day and night shift at Doctors Hospital. They were all amazing. We heard that the nurses "fought" over us for their shift. Apparently we were liked:) 

We were at Doctor's Hospital for a week and 3 days. We demanded we be transferred to University Hospital, which was downtown Augusta and had the best nicu around. If we were having these babies here, that's where they were going to be born. Another ambulance ride as well. After being in a bed for so long, and on so many meds, the 20 minute ride laying down and moving was rough. 

My 'new' room was much older and smaller. We did have a fridge though! Another little thing that makes all the difference. Things started back again just like at the other hospital. More IV's, monitors hooked up, blood taken, heart rates on the babies, etc. And still a waiting game. I never wanted Cam to leave my side. I was so scared that he would be gone and I would go into labor and have them without him! My mom had flown home, and Cam's mom Toni, was on her way out. She also brought pieces from home too that made me feel so much better. Games, blankets and burp cloths to crochet for the babies, books, magazines, fingernail polish, and other things to kill our time in the hospital. 

As each day went on, I always had the thought in the back of my mind, "what if today is the day?" Was I ready to deliver, or have a C section to bring these babies here? We were never going to be ready. I mean really, I was the most unprepared mom ever. No diapers, clothes, car seats, stroller, cribs, nothing. Our plan was just for them to be in the nicu and then we would buy everything we needed. 

I had been in my smaller room on the Labor & Delivery floor at University Hospital for 3 days now. We had heard that on the 4th floor were huge rooms that were for women that were on permanent bed rest and were going to be staying at the hospital for a long time. Two other women had been moved up there before me, one having twins and the other having triplets. We were all around the same week with our pregnancies. We finally got moved up to the 4th floor, and it was so nice! A couple couches, table and chairs, & a fridge. Everyday the nurses said we all asked about each other. "How is the lady with triplets doing?" "She's on magnesium sulfate? Oh no, I feel so bad for her!" We all knew what was going on with each other. Even though we didn't know each other, we were all hoping for the best for all of us. Just make it to 24 weeks.. please. 

Countless prayers, fasting, texts, calls, flowers delivered, packages sent, dinners & treats brought, were endless. Our family and friends in Utah were amazing. We never felt alone. Our ward family we had met in just 2 months in Augusta had completely taken us in. Southern hospitality is more than real. Within a day of being in the hospital, the whole month of June was booked for bringing dinners 3 times a week. I was added to a group on Facebook called "Moms of Multiples in Augusta." 7 women from that group came and visited me one night, and brought me pizza from the best place in Augusta. They shared their thoughts and experiences of having multiples with me. It was amazing. These women whom I had never met - except one in my ward- and here they are, surrounding my bed, supporting me and loving me. I had people always texting me from the ward wanting to come and just visit, the sister missionaries visited also. The young men brought me the sacrament every Sunday. I always hated being the burden. The one that people had to do stuff for, or that everyone was worried about. I was a cute 24 year old soon to be momma, I didn't want the deacons to think I was some gross lady in a hospital bed that couldn't do anything and had some weird toilet thing by her bed. I debated about them coming to bring me the bread & water, but I was so glad they did. The spirit they brought into the room was something I looked forward to every week. 

My body had started to go back to normal. I was no longer dilated and the boys heart rates were great every single day. The daily ultrasounds made me so happy to see their cute profiles. Contractions were always up and down. "If you feel more than 6 an hour, that's bad. If you only feel a couple an hour, that's ok." I realized that I had been feeling contractions all along my pregnancy before I went into the Dr. that day on June 4. With my first time being pregnant and having twins, I had no clue what I was supposed to feel or not feel. I learned that I have an 'incompetent cervix' and will have to get a cerclage every pregnancy at 13 weeks - it was way too late to get it now. 

June 19 - It was just another day. Toni & I had been crocheting some cute chevron blankets for the boys. I was exhausted after a couple hours. I started having really bad cramps. I told the nurses that the magnesium sulfate medicine was the LAST thing I would take. I was not going back on that stuff again. I had started the steroid shots that day because I was finally 23 weeks, adding to all the bruises that were already all over my body. They decided to give me a shot of something that would calm down my cramps (really contractions) only for a couple hours. It made my heart race, and made me so shaky. Later that night, they gave me another dose to prevent them from happening through the night. 

I never really slept through the night. Something was just not right. I felt like something was going to happen, but I tried to push that thought away because I did not want to deliver at 23 weeks. I called the nurse in to have her help me use the bed pan. (horrible horrible thing. I appreciate a normal bathroom every single day). The discharge I had was something I had never seen before. The ultrasound tech was called in at 6 AM. As soon as she put it low to see where Baby A was, she rushed out to grab the Dr. I was dilated to a 4. Carter was WAY down there and he was breech. I couldn't stand the pain. Cam & I said a quick prayer together through the tears to please give us strength to get through whatever is about to happen. We called Toni who was staying at our apartment, 20 minutes away to please come now. 

June 20 was about to be the best day & hardest day we have ever lived.