Happy Birthday Hayes

September 21, 2015 is the 3rd best day of my life. 

1- Obviously when I married the love of my life. 2. The birth of our twin boys, and 3 would be when my sweet Hayes was born and made everything bad good in my life. 

Monday September 21 I had a non stress test scheduled at the hospital with my high risk dr. This was nothing new. I started doing stress tests twice a week at 24 weeks pregnant so this was just another day. I had figured that we might be closer to having this baby because my blood pressure had been high for a month or so. I had my hospital bag packed for a few weeks now and contemplated packing it in the car before heading down for my 2:20 appointment. 

Cam met me at the hospital. Like always. He had only missed 2 out of my 100 appointments with this baby. "What if they tell us we are having our baby today!" Cam liked to joke like that. I told him it wouldn't be possible and they would at least give us until tomorrow! They did an ultrasound before the test and found he had only gained maybe a pound in the 2.5 weeks since my last appointment. My blood pressure and stress test didn't help the situation either. My blood pressure was something crazy like 150/110? and I had a few contractions on the monitor during the test. 

"Are you ready to have this baby tonight?!" I started freaking out. Of course that didn't help my blood pressure either. They admitted me immediately to labor and delivery. 

This was by far nothing like the delivery of the twins. Everything I was expecting for a c section again was completely different this time. 

We checked in to labor and delivery at 4 pm. Cam was still in his work clothes, and I still had all my "hospital gear" at home. The nurse said he had a few hours until our Dr came so he went home and got everything. While he was gone they did my IV. 3 TIMES. Ok I know I had like 8 different IV's with the twins, but sometimes any attempts after the first time are just brutal. He got back at 7 and our Dr was on his way down to the hospital. We were meeting our baby in less than an hour.

I couldn't wrap my head around what was about to happen. Flash backs to when they were rushing me into the OR, getting our babies out and telling us one didn't make it after a few hours were heart breaking. A little part of me had to prepare myself for that again. But after pushing those negative thoughts aside, and a priesthood blessing by my amazing husband, I had so much determination and confidence in myself that I could do this. Again. 

When they said it was time I was waiting for them to wheel me into the OR on a bed, but apparently the OR was just down the hall so I walked. Walking into the OR with the giant doors opening and everyone welcoming you isn't something you think is just 'normal.' I sat up on the table and they did my spinal. I was squeezing Cam's hands SO tight because I thought it would be like the last spinal with the twins, sharp shooting pains down my left leg like I was being electrocuted. But the only pain I felt was a little prick and then they laid me down. It was great. 

With Cam by my side, and feeling tugging on my stomach it was only minutes until we would meet our babe that we had longed to meet for so long. While I was laying there I could only help but think of our 3 boys saying their last goodbyes to each other. Carter & Benson promising their brother that they would always watch out for him and be there when they needed them the most. It was when I heard my baby's first cry that I could feel all our boys with me. It was a feeling that could never be explained. It was pure heaven.

Our sweet Hayes Benson Pearson was born at 8:09 PM weighing in at 5 lbs 5oz and 17 in long.

He is identical to his older brothers and perfect in every way. 

We were so blessed that he didn't have to go to the NICU, he didn't have jaundice and was breathing great. After hearing the cord was wrapped around his neck twice, it was just another answer to our prayers and help from his loving older brothers that made the whole delivery perfect. Every fear I had was made calm. Every worry I had was gone. We finally had a baby here - healthy, happy, and alive! 

Our first night as a family of 5, Cam & I looked at each other and just cried. The feelings were so overwhelming. We were SO happy. It was like everything we had gone through and felt over the last year had lead up to this moment and it was surreal that it was here. We find ourselves just staring at him, looking deep in his eyes and wondering how we got so lucky. I ask him everyday about his older brothers. I know they are looking out for him and are with him all the time. 

I love being a mom. I love Cam and the priesthood he holds to bless our family. I love that being a mom means learning new things especially patience. I love my boys. But mostly..

I love US.

Showered with Love!

My amazing aunt and cousins through me the CUTEST and SWEETEST shower last weekend.

A year ago they had planned to throw me a shower for the twins.. I was going to fly back from Georgia for the weekend, have the shower and stay until I had them. Obviously plans changed, but I had been looking forward to it for so long. The morning of this shower I was getting ready and couldn't believe all that had happened and felt so blessed that exactly a year later I finally get a baby shower - not for our twins - but another little boy on the way! 

We had a yummy waffle bar. Pumpkin and regular waffles - YUM. I should have eaten 20. And then a ton of toppings & juices. 

Thank you everyone for your love and support for Cam & I and our 3rd boy on the way. We feel so lucky to have the best family around! 

August

I can't believe August has come and gone!! I'm trying to get caught up with everything before little man makes his debut. And by everything I mean.... EVERYTHING! Do people ever feel ready before their baby comes? I keep thinking of one thing after the other and the list is never ending! Maybe after my 8th trip to IKEA, and 130th trip to Target I will feel ready?

Anyway! August was great for us. Courtney makes my Mondays the best. I love getting her emails at 4:00 every week. Tuesday's Cam has 2 softball games, Wednesdays we both have mutual, Thursday we get to relax after Cam gets home from work, and Friday's are date nights! I guess I can see why August flew by! 

We celebrated Cam's birthday on the 18th. I kept telling him I can't believe I'm married to a 29 year old!! I look back and felt so little and young when we got married he was 24! All he wanted for his big day was his baby back enchiladas from Milagros -- GO NOW and try these, definitely worth every penny! And then of course his yearly funfetti cake! 

Happy birthday my love! I love that your mine forever.

My BFF Ali FINALLY came to Utah!! She lives in Washington and I was SO happy we got to hang out for a few days after 2 years of not seeing each other! We had a blast catching up, shopping, and making plans for when this could happen again!!

Another adventure I had was being 1 of 3 audience members at Good Things Utah! My cousin Jacque started her shop called Cora Mae Design on Etsy and it's the cutest thing EVER. My cousin Tawna, my mom and I were cheering her on in the audience. I watch the show every morning - because I love Michelle Money - and so I was SO excited to see a little behind the scenes action. 

We got to take pictures after with the hosts and talk to them about life! They were all so awesome and we had such a fun time! 

September is here!!! It's kinda scary to say but baby Pearson could be coming THIS MONTH!!! 

Can't wait. 

Carter & Benson turn 1!

We have one year old twins!!

Cam & I wanted to do something special, but small to celebrate the lives of our sweet boys. It didn't need to be something over the top, but I just wanted something simple so family & friends could remember for 30 min our twins and how much they mean to us. 

The morning of June 20, Cam & I woke up so happy and excited. We went on a walk, went to breakfast, and then ran some errands to get ready for our little celebration. Throughout the day we kept mentioning to each other, "Can you feel them? The boys are with us!" You could just tell those 2 were following us around while we got everything ready for their big day. 

In the back of my mind I couldn't help but pause and think of how life might have really been that day if they were still here. I would have hung a cute birthday banner and tied balloons to their two high chairs in our kitchen. We would have two crazy boys crawling around our house and life would have been completely different. But then I snap back to reality and remember what did happen, and not to let myself get sad with the fact that we wouldn't be doing any of that...

We invited our close family and friends and had everyone meet us down at the cemetery. When we sent off balloons at the funeral, we decided it would become a yearly tradition on their birthday. With 50 white balloons and my moms delicious sugar cookies, we took just a minute to remember our boys.

Each of us held a balloon and started singing, "Happy Birthday." I had been fine all day. No tears. But the minute we started singing and our two boys were not sitting right in front of us, but their headstone was, I lost it. My mind immediately raced back to exactly a year ago when we let balloons off at their funeral. I felt so many different emotions. I am a 25 year old mom who is singing to her boys that are buried in the ground. It didn't seem fair for a moment. 

Then we let the balloons go. And just like the year before, peace immediately entered my heart and everything seemed right again. We have 2 perfect boys watching over our little boy who is joining our family so soon -- and what is better than that? I held Cam and watched the balloons soar to heaven. Just like the day of their funeral, I felt them standing right by us again. A little more grown up, but still the faces of the sweetest most loving boys that Cam & I were blessed to bring to this world.

Cam & I wanted something besides just pictures to remember the boys birthday. We asked a member of our bishopric who is pro with his GoPro to video us letting go of the balloons. It turned out so good and he captured everything that I was hoping for that moment. It's just a short clip but I am so excited to share it with you!

Carter & Benson turn 1! from Alexa Pearson on Vimeo.

1 year later

I can't believe a year has come and gone since we have lost our sweet boys and i had even blogged! After my last post after the funeral, I felt like.. what now? What do I even write about, what pictures do I even care to share? It seemed like there was nothing left to write and life kinda stopped... But as I have looked back, learned, and grown over the past year I feel like life is renewed for us and we are back to share our story, emotions, and love.

When the funeral was done, and life had to start getting back to normal, there was never a second that I still didn't need Cam by my side. It's almost like you go throughout your day doing normal things to kinda keep your mind off of what you had just gone through and then it just hits you and you have a 'moment.' Whenever I needed him, he was there. What I would have done without him? No one knows. I definitely married the one I am head over heels for. 

Cam started back at work, we moved into our own place since we had lived with my parents for a month in between getting back from Georgia and having the funeral and I had started working as an assistant at a company of a friend that we had worked with through Vivint. It seemed like life was slowly getting 'back to normal.' 

The holidays came and went (which were the hardest things to live through after picturing your sweet boys at your families Thanksgiving dinner and opening presents Christmas morning). Courtney was & still is serving in Mexico city on an LDS mission. Graduations, birthdays, family events, weddings, anniversaries, were all being celebrated and you realize that life will never stop around you. We were slowly feeling that we weren't living in a bubble anymore. You know, that bubble of your standing still and life is just buzzing on around you while you want everyone to be in your 'bubble' and realize what you had lost, and what you were feeling. But after so long people forget, people move on, even though you will NEVER forget. 

A few months after everything was said and done, we knew we wanted to start trying right away again for a family. After all, it had been over 3 years of wanting this and not being able to take our babies home made us want this even more!! As I had mentioned before, we did IVF to get our twins, and we had been lucky enough to keep some more embryo's frozen from the first procedure. I was hesitant to go straight to IVF again since I was hoping now that I had been pregnant, maybe we could get pregnant on our own. But, after meeting with our amazing fertility Dr, he said, "why wait!?" And we said, "Ya! Why wait?" What's some more shots and money for hormones! We decided to go for it and try it again. I was nervous because we could only put 1 embryo in, because my body couldn't handle twins again, but the chances of having 1 take were fewer than implanting 2. 

After weeks of shots daily, some twice a day, and multiple blood draws and ultrasounds we got news that I could have only dreamed of.... again. 

We were pregnant, with one healthy baby that was due 6 days before the twins due date. 

(Updates for this will be in other posts:)

We truly felt like we were walking down a timeline where one thing after another was an answer to a prayer. And my cute Carter & Benson were watching us just saying, "wait and see what's next!"

Cam & I have never looked back and thought "Why us?" We know why. And it was never a negative thought or feeling. Ever. Those boys have blessed our lives in so many ways that we can't even count. I feel like I am such a better person because of my boys that held for 18 hours. No words were said. No parenting, or birthday parties thrown for them, just pure love and understanding. As we have 'moved on,' if we have to call it something, life has been so great. We have a great place to live, we love our church callings, we have had great jobs that have supported us, we have great family and friends surrounding us, and what can't make it all better by saying we have 2 perfect angels looking out for us everyday. 

We can't wait to share more updates as our life is about to get more exciting in a few short months! 

Thank you for following our story! 

Balloons to Heaven

There will never be an end to our Carter & Benson story. But this was the close to this chapter with them. It was a hard & special day. The night before the funeral, Cam & I were dreading the next day. We knew what had to be done, and we didn't want to do any of it. Of course after thinking that you feel bad and try to change your thoughts. But what parent wants to bury their child? Let alone, two. We both didn't sleep well that night and when the morning came we both just had a rock in our stomach. That deep down sick pain, like you didn't want to move.

Driving to the cemetery we didn't really know what to expect. We had invited close family and friends. I told Cam "I hope they don't drive a hearse because that tiny casket does not need to be in that!" I didn't want to see a black car bringing my babies. When we pulled around to the Angel Garden where our sweet boys would be buried, I saw the funeral van parked there with the trunk open and the casket sitting there. I couldn't hold it in anymore. I cried and cried. That was the first time I had seen 'them' since saying bye to them in the hospital in Georgia. This little tiny casket sitting there of our boys in it that Cam & I longed for everyday.   

Cam was so strong that day. He told me everything would be ok and to take his arm while we carry our boys over to the table. Family started to show up and we mingled until the program started. I had no idea how to plan the program. A little part of me wanted just us to show up, cry together, and say goodbye again without anyone there. But, with the help of a dear friend, Maddie, who had lost her baby more than a year ago, we put together a simple program. 

Cam's dad, Randy, conducted for us. We sang I feel my Savior's love, and my dad gave the opening prayer. Randy said some very nice things about Cam & I, and then Cam got up and spoke about the miracles that we had witnessed with Carter & Benson. I read a poem that fit perfectly with everything, and then Cam dedicated our boys grave with a prayer. 

It was so hard sitting front and center, with the boys laying right in front of us. How do you be strong through that? I think I was scared to cry in front of so many people, but I couldn't hide my emotions. As soon as Cam finished dedicating the grave, a huge brick was lifted off my shoulders. The planning we did was done and worked out great, the boys were celebrated & taken care of, and now we could now somewhat start moving on a little bit. 

Another idea I had from Maddie was sending off balloons. It only seemed fitting. Little kids love balloons and white just seemed perfect for the occasion. It was the perfect ending to our little service. As we sent them off to heaven I felt like it symbolized so many things.

White: Pure. Our boys were so perfect & pure. Just needing a body in this life.

Looking up: Looking up towards heaven.

Letting go of the balloons: Letting them go. Back to their Heavenly Father.

I felt so many good emotions as we sent those off. Our little nephew Calvin said, "This balloon is for Carter!" And our other nephew Coleman said, "This balloon is for Benson!" It was the sweetest thing. They both brought blue Beanie Babies for the boys, that we later opened the casket and put with them. Cam & I knew the whole time that our twins were standing there watching the whole thing with their arms around each other. 

An Angel Never Dies

Don’t let them say I wasn’t born,

That something stopped my heart

I felt each tender squeeze you gave,

I’ve loved you from the start.

Although my body you can’t hold

It doesn’t mean I’m gone

This world was worthy, not of me

God chose that I move on.

I know the pain that drowns your soul,

What you are forced to face

You have my word, I’ll fill your arms,

Someday we will embrace.

You’ll hear that it was meant to be,

God doesn’t make mistakes

But that wont soften your worst blow,

Or make your heart not ache.

I’m watching over all you do,

Another child you’ll bear

Believe me when I say to you,

That I am always there.

There will come a time, I promise you,

When you will hold my hand,

Stroke my face and kiss my lips

And then you’ll understand.

Although I’ve never breathed your air,

Or gazed into your eyes

That doesn’t mean I never was,

An Angel never dies. 

It was a day we would never forget. The things that were said and felt gave us so much peace. I never ever thought we would have to do this when we got the call from our fertility Dr saying that we were pregnant. But, we have realized, our lives will always be changing and things will happen that we have never planned on. Our Sundays now consist of taking a drive down to the Provo Cemetery. To visit our boys and to just think about life. It's never easy pulling up there. I wonder when it will ever get easy.. I don't think it will. I always tell myself "don't cry!" But I always do. We always walk around and look at all the other infants headstones. Some living only a day, some a few months, and some almost a year. We like to clean off the other headstones that have weeds growing on them, or need flowers or toys picked up that have been blown by the wind. Those parents went through the same thing we did, so we can all take care of each other. 

We can't wait for the day to bring our other kids here, to visit their big brothers. To tell them how amazing and strong they were, and how much their mom & dad love and miss them. Our boys are surrounded by our loved ones that have passed on, and all the other babies that they are buried near at the Angel Garden. 

We love you both SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much times infinity!